


Don't You Wanna Stay

by turningthepages



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-10-19 07:19:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10634991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turningthepages/pseuds/turningthepages
Summary: It was pathetic.He was pathetic.For five years, he'd allowed it to go on. Allowed Dean Winchester to stomp all over his heart and leave him wallowing in self-pity, wondering why he wasn’t good enough to just make Dean stay.Enough was enough though.





	

For what it's worth, he knew he had a weakness. He knew it. Everyone around him knew it. He'd spend months telling himself he was stronger, better than it, but when it came down to it, he was completely without backbone. And despite every pep talk he gave himself, despite every single promise he made in the mirror, he always gave in when that weakness looked him in the eye. 

It started five years ago. Freshman year of college—though one could argue it started junior year of high school when Cas moved to that small town. That's where he met him, Dean Winchester. Larger than life, everyone's best friend, smooth talking player, complete perfection all wrapped in one man, and Castiel's best friend. Dean had taken to Cas like a fish to water, and in a matter of days they were inseparable and Cas never understood why. 

It will probably always remain a mystery why the popular Dean Winchester asked Cas to eat lunch with him and his friends that day but Dean did. Castiel, being the baby of three, whose brothers were already married with families, jumped at the chance to have a friend his own age at his new school. And Cas, despite his better judgment, slowly fell in love as their friendship progressed.

There was no way, no how, he ever planned to do anything about it. He never brought it up to anyone either, though it didn’t take long before some of their friends could tell. He especially never acted upon it. He was content knowing he had Dean as his best friend even if it killed him. And it did feel like it was killing him sometimes, like when Dean dated Cassie, and Victor, and Lisa, and worst of all Alistair…. Like when he saw Dean going out with both men and women weekly, never once showing interest in Cas.

Still, having Dean as a friend was better than not having him at all. Dean was a loyal man, put his friends and family first. He treated Cas like family, bringing him home for dinners because he knew Cas’s parents were rarely home at dinner time. By the time they moved onto senior year of high school Cas was already on a first name basis with John and Mary. He even spent more time at their home than his own. There were days that even if Dean weren’t around, or if Cas and Dean had gotten in an argument, Cas would still be at the Winchester residence spending time with Mary or Sam. The Winchesters were his family so much so that Dean had often made jokes that Cas should change his name to Castiel Winchester.... Cas didn't think Dean ever noticed the blush that covered his face whenever he heard Dean make that flippant comment.

But despite practically sharing a room with Dean, sleeping in the same bed almost every few nights, Dean never treated him as anything more than a "buddy." It was infuriating sometimes to hear Dean call him ‘man,’ or ‘buddy.’ It drove him insane when Dean would blow off plans they’d made for some new flavor of the night. It nearly brought him to the breaking point a few times being the third wheel to one of Dean’s “I swear you’re not going to be a third wheel, I just want you to meet so-and-so, I swear I won’t ignore you,” nights; nights in which Dean always found himself making out with so-and-so, generally in the same room as Cas. 

Despite those moments, there were always the ones that made Cas wonder. Made Cas question if he was reading too much into things or if there could be something underlying between them. Dean was a good friend to everyone, but he was a great friend to Cas. He was overly protective, willing to step up if anyone so much as looked at Cas the wrong way. For all his bravado and claims of not being into ‘chick flick moments,’ Dean never seemed to mind spilling everything to Cas. When the other guys would plead with Dean to come to a ‘man’s night’ of drinking and attempting to play poker, Dean would sometimes blow it off to spend the night watching corny TV shows with Cas. There was also the time when Cas caught the common cold, and Dean spend the entire weekend taking care of Cas, including making him homemade soup and forcing him to take medicine round the clock. 

He was just reading into things, he had to be. Because as soon as the thought that maybe Dean could feel something back crossed his mind, Dean would immediately call him pal, buddy, best friend…. And there was nothing more than that. No lingering touches. No awkward cuddles in the morning. No longing stares. No cliché best friend storyline, despite Cas’s regular silent prayers that maybe his life could become a basic high school rom-com. Just two regular guys being regular friends... well if you call on half of the friendship being completely in love with he other half 'regular.'

Cas knew, was certain, if he mentioned his feelings, Dean would just laugh in his face and call him pathetic. Okay, really, he knew Dean would _never_ do that. Would never even think to say anything to Cas that hurtful. But Cas’s biggest fear was that it would make things irreversibly awkward, and he liked how things were with Dean. Mostly. 

That's why it shocked Cas so much when That Drunken Night happened.

He and Dean were freshmen in college, living together because "why the hell wouldn't I want to live with my best friend, Cas? It will be awesome!" The living arrangement, ultimately, worked. They'd practically shared living space together in high school so it wasn't much different to share a two-bedroom apartment. Plus, they each knew each other as well as they knew themselves, so, when Cas forgot to put his dish in the sink or Dean forgot to take out the trash, they handled it. 

It was probably the ideal situation. They just worked well together. 

Despite Dean’s wishes, college didn’t seem to make Cas a partier. Cas, as always, still enjoyed staying in the apartment while Dean wanted nothing more to enjoy life outside of it. ‘The college experience,’ he’d say. Whatever that meant. 

Cas wasn't against going to parties, but he could only handle so many before they started to get tedious. He'd stay in, spend the night watching Netflix or reading... usually waiting for Dean to come home safely. He hadn't done that at first, scared that when Dean would come home there'd be someone with him. But to his surprise, every night Dean went out he'd always come home alone. So Cas would wait up for him, make sure he got into bed and would leave some water and aspirin on his bedside table.

On the nights he didn’t wait up for Dean… well those were the nights he’d actually get dragged out to those god-forsaken parties. Dean with those damn irresistible green eyes that Cas had a hard time saying no to....

And That Drunken Night, that night was one of the ones Cas had wanted to say no. He’d started to say no, but Dean gave him a look and Cas didn’t open his mouth. So Dean dragged Cas with him, much to his chagrin (because he really did have to study that night) and they had gotten sloppy drunk. 

What started out as a, “It’s just a small kickback at my buddy Benny’s dorm,” turned into hopping between at least three parties, and having at least three drinks at each (maybe more, Cas couldn't keep count). But when their last party found them at a frat house, drinking too many mystery shots, swaying uncoordinatedly on the dance floor, something shifted between them. 

Cas was swaying with his eyes closed, wondering if the ground really was moving. To his best knowledge, Dean was right next to him, equally feeling the effects of those possible tequila shots. The song that was playing was horrific, but no one seemed to mind, so Cas chose not to either. He was completely in his own blissful alcohol-hazed mind, when he felt large hands trailing up and down his sides. His drunken mind didn’t seem to know how to think rationally because immediately he thought 'of course these are Dean's hands' and went with the flow leaning back into the touch. 

For a reason he doesn’t quite remember, his eyes opened quickly to see Dean squeezing through the crowd to bring Cas another drink... Cas's eyes widened in horror and he turned around sharply because 'who the hell was on him?' Dean had all but pummeled the guy when Cas tried to squirm out of his arms and the man didn't let Cas go. Before he knew what was happening, arms were wrapped possessively around him, Dean's arms. Cas had no idea where the other man had run off too, but he did know that Dean was wrapped around him swaying to the beat of the music. They danced for a few moments more before Dean seemed to lose interest in the dance floor, and started towards the exit. He didn't let Cas out of his sight or out of his embrace for a moment.

He only let go of Cas when the got outside but quickly reached out and grabbed his hand, not releasing his grip as they walked back to their apartment. And he might have been drunk, but Cas seriously felt like he was walking on air.

They both fumbled with the keys, but it was admittedly a little hard to unlock the door when Dean literally would not let go of Cas's hand. Eventually, after maybe five minutes of struggling, they stumbled through the door, laughing at the sheer drunkenness of themselves. Cas leaned back against the cold door, trying to compose himself enough to make his way to his room. His abs were aching from laughing so hard. Suddenly, Dean's hands were on his face angling Cas's face up.

Dean's eyes were bright from laughing, but he was looking at Cas like he was the only sight to be seen. "Your laugh has always been my favorite sound."

That's when Dean surged forward, kissing Cas. Hard, wet, messy, and desperate. Despite his state of drunkenness, his mind caught up with the program quickly, and Cas’s hands were gripping at the front of Dean’s shirt. If Cas were in his right mind, he might have put a stop to it there. Might have considered the fact that they’d both had way too much to drink. Might have thought through the way this could completely shatter their relationship. But his mind was too blissed out for him to manage a rational thought.

Fumbling hands found their clothing on the floor. Stumbling feet found them on their way to Cas's bed. Dazed minds found them learning each part of one another's bodies. Cas didn't even think to be nervous. He trusted Dean so completely that each touch and each caress felt right, felt safe. And the look in Dean's eyes, the look that made Cas feel like Dean was falling apart at the seams the same way Cas himself was, was enough for Cas to give himself to Dean completely. 

Dean was more tender than Cas expected him to be kissing every part of Cas’s body the moment Cas’s clothes were on the floor. With the way Dean had kissed him, and the rumors he’d heard from Dean’s previous lovers, he’d expected Dean to be boiling over with need and want. Never did he expect Dean to spend most of the time kissing him, touching him, slowly opening him up before unhurriedly easing into Cas. But what they shared, the slow, soft passion, moving perfectly in sync—gentle caresses and delicate kisses until they reached that euphoric moment of white, hot, bliss... Cas didn’t know another way to describe it other than making love. 

He also didn't expect the manly "Dean Winchester doesn't cuddle," to pull him so tightly into his arms that Cas almost felt like Dean was trying to make him a part of himself. But it did happen. And Cas fell asleep feeling more desired and cared for than he ever had in his entire life.

He’d had woken up the following morning feeling sore in places he'd never been sore before, but relished in the thought that the reason for that soreness was breathing hot puffs of air into his neck. Still, despite how happy he felt a small pit in his stomach and was terrified that Dean would wake up and run out on him. He was nervous everything he held so precious was going to leave all because of some drunken choices, choices that he couldn’t remotely bring himself to regret. But before he could allow his anxieties to build, Dean snuggled right up to him, warm and content, pressing kisses into his shoulder.

Dean has asked, mystified, if what happened the previous night had been real. When Cas confirmed, he was only answered back with Dean crawling on top of him for a mind melting round two.

And Cas thought everything was perfect.

Nothing seemed to change between them. They found themselves in the same pattern of their daily life that they had before. Hanging out like usual, talking about god only knows what, watching whatever movie Dean swore Cas ‘had to see’ and just being themselves with one another. The only difference was that suddenly there were unexpected kisses and long nights that Cas didn't mind staying up for because he got to have all of Dean in ways he never expected he could have. Now there was cuddling on the couch most nights, falling asleep with sore necks, which led to going to bed with other sore... parts.

Cas had never felt happier. He didn't know what they were, they never actually talked about it; he just knew he never wanted it to end. So he was preparing to bring it up, make sure he and Dean were on the same page. Wanted to finally put a label on what they had, because he wanted to be able to be affectionate with Dean around their friends. 

But Dean beat him to it. They'd been out with Dean's friends Benny and Victor, at the Roadhouse, about two months into whatever they had going on, drinking a few beers and playing some pool. Cas didn’t think they were being any different around each other than before but apparently others were able to notice a shift in their behavior towards each other. 

“What’s up with you two? You guys finally dating?” Benny asked casually, right after Dean had thumbed some pool cue chalk off of Cas’s check. 

Cas turned towards Benny with a shy smile on his face, ready to say yes when Dean, startled by the question spoke instead. 

"Nah man, we're just friends. With benefits. You know?" he said with a flippant shrug. 

Cas was grateful for the .5 seconds that Victor and Benny looked Dean’s way with scrutinizing stares. It allowed Cas just enough time to school his emotions on his face so no one seemed to notice his heart completely shattering on the sticky linoleum floor. 

And despite friends with benefits being completely the opposite of what he wanted with Dean, Cas found himself unable to vocalize it. He didn’t even bother bringing it up to Dean on their ride home. If Dean had made up his mind about what their relationship was, then Cas saw no point in trying to change anything. 

Even if Cas knew that Dean didn't want him for anything more than a booty call, Cas figured he was still able to have Dean in some way, which had to be enough. So that night in bed, after Dean had effectively stamped the wrong label on their relationship, Cas let out his frustrations in the only way he felt he could without putting a damper on their relationship; he rode Dean with more vigor than normal, ensuring that even if Dean saw him as nothing more than a casual fuck, at least he’d be a memorable one. 

And at first it was more than enough to just go with this ‘friends with benefits’ thing. He got to have Dean more often than he didn't, and from his understanding, Dean wasn’t seeing other people. But Cas knew he was already in too deep, had already fallen too completely into this mess before he knew what they were to each other, so he had to protect his heart some way.  
It was subtle, enough that Dean didn’t seem to notice at first, but it still happened. Slowly, Cas pulled back. He stopped allowing random kisses during the day unless the explicitly lead to the bedroom. He stopped cuddling during movies and TV shows on the couch unless it turned to heavy groping, and eventually relocating to the bedroom. He stopped waiting up for Dean, pretending to be asleep so that Dean wouldn’t come in and choose to just sleep beside Cas like a couple would. 

Still, most weekends they'd find themselves gasping for breath in Dean's bed, and Dean would instinctively pull Cas into his arms the second they’d both come down from their high. Every time, Cas would wait until he heard Dean’s soft snores before carefully extracting himself from the comfort of Dean's arms to make his way back to his own bed. If Dean noticed the change, he never once said anything about it. 

The situation, admittedly, wasn’t ideal but it was what Castiel knew he could have. So he lived with it.

They were closing in on junior year of college, nearly to the end of the year when everything suddenly changed. 

It was a 2 AM phone call that jolted Cas from that half-awake state. Dean must have found some unknown energy from deep within because he had pounded into Cas for hours that night, effectively wiping Cas’s ability to move or stay awake. 

Groggily he reached for his phone to see Mary Winchester’s name across the screen. He scrambled to answer the phone, knowing nothing good could come of a phone call that early. 

“Mary? Is everything alright?” He asked quietly, panic starting to rise up in his throat. Worse case scenarios were running through his mind and he sent up a silent prayer that nothing happened to Sam. 

“Where’s Dean? He’s not answering.” He could barely make out her words through her sobs. 

“He’s right here. Hold on.” 

“Dean, Dean you need to wake up.” Cas said, urgently shaking Dean awake. 

“Mmm.” Dean tried to roll away from Cas’s persistent shakes. 

“Dean, your mom is on the phone.”

Dean shot up in a moment, reaching for the phone. “Mom? Mom? What’s wrong?” 

The room was quiet enough for Cas to hear Mary’s broken sobs on the other line as she attempted to tell Dean what exactly what had happened.

“No…” Dean had cried, the moment he pieced together what had happened. John Winchester had suffered a heart attack—complete blockage of the artery—there was nothing they could do. The phone fell to the bed, and Cas quickly scrambled to pick it up and speak to Mary again, pulling a now sobbing Dean to his chest. 

“Mary? It’s Cas. I’m so sorry. We’ll be there as soon as we can.” He wished at that moment he had the ability to fly Dean and himself to her side, to offer her any comfort her could. He listened to her cry for a few moments before she begged Cas to take care of Dean and that she loved them both. “I know, I know. I’ll take care of him. I love you too. We’ll be there soon.” 

Cas didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to deal with this. He rocked Dean for a few moments trying to sooth the ache in his heart but knew he couldn’t do anything to manage his best friend’s pain. Despite the ache in his own heart, he had to get up, get them both dressed and packed, and get them back to Mary and Sam. 

So Cas went through the motions and got Dean safely into the arms of his mother and brother. It wasn’t easy to watch the same vibrant man he’d come to know, be reduced to whimpers and pleas. Wasn’t easy to watch as the man Cas loved more than his own life fade into a shell of a man overnight. Dean had worshiped the ground his father had walked on, and losing him was the worst thing to ever happen to the green-eyed man. 

In the weeks following Cas had tried. Had tried to help sooth Dean's broken heart; had held his hand so tightly during the funeral; had distracted each person who tried to offer his or her condolences and half-hearted stories about John; had tucked Mary in every night, and cleaned up Sam’s attempt and drowning his sorrows in booze; had pulled Dean into his arms each night since he'd gotten that dreadful phone call from Mary. 

He'd done everything he could think to do for his broken hearted best friend. But no amount of comfort, gentleness or lovemaking could coax Dean out of the grief he was in.

Eventually Dean's mind was made up. He dropped out of college, packed his things, and told Cas that he just needed time to get away. Just needed to figure out who he was now that his dad was gone. Needed to not be in a State with constant reminders of his dad all around him.

It hadn't been much of a discussion. Dean had told Cas that he wanted to leave and all Cas could hear was "he's leaving me." So, shell shocked and heartbroken, Cas told his best friend to do what was best for himself. He told his best friend to go, and to let Cas know when he arrived safely, then shut himself in his room to cry that night.

Dean never asked Cas to come along.

Dean’s stuff was gone the next morning.

The day Dean left, Cas thought they'd be done. Thought he'd merely be a small dusty area left in Dean's past. He didn't know if he'd even see or hear from Dean again.

A few days later he got a text. Four words, _In Austin. I'm safe._

At first, it'd be every few days he'd get a text with a new location. Always letting Cas know he was safe. A few times there'd be a picture included, but never of Dean himself. And Cas accepted that. He knew Dean was dealing with his grief as best as he could, so he'd reply back with a fun fact about the place after he internet searched it and he'd remind Dean that he was there for him if he ever needed him.

Three months and a few days after Dean's initial departure, Cas had just begun to embrace that this is what his life was. It'd been hard on him, not having Dean to grieve with because he was grieving too. He'd lost John too, not in the same way the Winchesters had, but he'd been a part of his life and it hurt to see his casket being lowered into the ground. It hurt to see Mary's heart completely broken. It hurt to see Sam so withdrawn in himself. It hurt to see Dean walk away. 

He did what he could for the family. He'd drive down to check on Mary, spend some time with Sam, and make sure their fridge was well stocked for the week. Then he'd hug them both goodbye and drive back to school. Curling up into Dean's old bed, hoping that he would stop feeling so alone. It was monotonous, it was heartbreaking, and it was his life. 

He woke up one morning, after a particularly rough night, to dishes clattering loudly in his sink followed by a gruff curse. Without really thinking, he flung himself from the bed and ran to the kitchen, not allowing himself to really believe that he’d actually heard _that_ voice. 

Only, Dean was there, looking at a broken mug like it had personally offended him. 

Cas couldn't think of anything to say. Couldn't think of doing anything more than standing there gaping at Dean who was standing in his kitchen... their kitchen, now looking up at him. He was staring at Dean who he hadn't seen in three fucking months. He was certain it wasn’t real. Certain that this was one of his many dream where he’d convinced himself that Dean would come back home. 

Before he could ask if Dean was really here, Dean was on him like no time had passed at all. Kissing Cas like he'd been starving for it. They barely made it to the bedroom...

…they barely made it out of the bedroom after that.

And poor little naive Cas had thought that Dean had come back to him. That Dean had possibly come back _for_ him because maybe Dean missed him as much as he himself missed Dean. He believed that maybe, finally, they'd be able to be together for real this time. Because how could Dean not feel how right it was to wake up next to each other? But Cas was too scared to say anything, too scared to be wrong.

So when Dean told him a week later that he had to leave, that he had a job lined up in Lafayette, Cas couldn't even begrudge the other man. He was just mad at himself. He knew better than to get his hopes up, it was his own fault really. 

Again, he told Dean to tell him when he arrived safely. Again, he watched as his entire heart drove away without even considering asking Cas to come along. 

It was four months later when Dean returned for another week stay.

The next time it was only two months between his stay.

Castiel never could recognize any pattern between Dean's arrivals. Sometimes it was less than a month. Sometimes it was about four. But Dean never stayed away too long. Not long enough for Cas to finally move on from him anyway. Just when he felt himself finally getting over the empty feeling Dean always left in his wake, there'd be a knock on his door and he'd have to start all over again.

It infuriated him how much control Dean had over his life. Over his heart.

He knew after all this time there was no possibility that Dean cared for him in the same way. Not with the way Dean seemed to be able to just up and leave within a week of coming home. The only reason, Cas was sure, that Dean did keep coming around was because Cas was a sure thing. He'd never once been able to not just spread his legs at the sight of Dean's green puppy dog eyes.

It was pathetic.

He was pathetic.

For five fucking years, he'd allowed it to go on. Allowed Dean fucking Winchester to stomp all over his heart and leave him wallowing in self-pity, wondering why he wasn’t good enough to just make Dean stay. 

Enough was enough though. He'd turned down too many guys, too many _good_ guys over the years too. Guys who could have treated him well and made him happy, all because he didn't know when Dean would come knocking. Because he didn’t know how to tell Dean to hand back the pieces of his heart and get back in his car and go. 

This time would be different. It had to be different. Balthazar had been asking for months now. Trying so hard for just one date and Cas kept saying no because he felt like it'd be wrong. But now... it'd been almost six months since he'd seen Dean. Despite the weekly updates he'd get through text, and the rare phone call he didn't know where or what Dean was up to anymore.

It hurt, losing his best friend. It hurt even more having him come back for such short bouts of time, making Cas feel like nothing had changed. 

But he knew he had to let him go sometime. It was time for Cas to move on.

He was going to tell Balthazar yes. The next time he asked. He'd say yes.

The thought made him feel inexplicably guilty. He hated that there was some part of himself still holding on to hope, telling him that he couldn’t do something like that to Dean. But damnit! He didn't belong to Dean, so dating other people shouldn't feel like a betrayal to him. 

He was going to say yes though. He would. He swore! He owed it to himself to see what else was out there. Having only ever had one experience in the relationship department be what he had with Dean... well that just couldn't be sane or healthy. He needed to give himself his best shot at happiness.

And he was mostly happy. He'd graduated with honors. He'd found a job in his chosen field. He steadily built up his position in his job. He recently got into grad school. He actually liked said job and was excited about grad school. He had friends he actually enjoyed spending time with. He still saw Sam every so often, Sam who knew to avoid the topic of Dean. And he talked on the phone with Mary every Sunday night—Mary too knew to only mention Dean briefly. 

He was considering buying a cat or a dog. Or both. He wasn't picky. Whatever animal he connected with at the shelter he was planning to go to in the next few weeks would more than likely be coming home with him. He even learned how to make burgers that mostly resembled the ones Mary had taught himself and Dean to make.

So really... Cas was doing fine without Dean Winchester.

He was doing just perfectly fine.

He was so fine he'd recently started looking for houses, like real adult homes, because really, it was ridiculous to be living in a two-bedroom apartment in a college town alone. And his job was steady enough that he could afford to get something decent. He just needed to get out of this apartment. Needed to get away from the place he still considered his and Dean's.

It was near midnight but he still sent off an email to his relator about two properties he was interested in when he heard a click from the front door. Knowing it was one of two people (Sam or Dean—though why Sam would be coming over at that hour he wasn’t sure), he quickly walked towards the small entryway hallway to see who it was.

Before he could get so much as a hello out, soft lips were bruising against his. Forcing him up against the entryway wall. He could hear Dean murmuring something about missing him, his lips, not being able resist him for more than a minute... but Cas's mind was too foggy with 'it's been too damn long since I've had this' to think straight.

There wasn't time for words. It all was too frantic for Cas or Dean to grunt much more than 'Bedroom. Clothes.' And like always they found themselves in Castiel's bed.

Like always, Dean started to take control, kissing, biting, and marking every inch of Cas’s skin that he came across. He’d taken his time using his mouth to bring Cas to the brink before pulling away. And Cas knew there’d be more. Knew when Dean slowed down like this it meant they were in for a full night of passion. 

And it did last all night. Each time Cas got the prickling sensation of ‘too much’ Dean slowed down or changed positions, driving Cas mad with desire. Every touch to his skin was electric, every nerve in his body was screaming to let go, but over and over he’d been denied. Overwhelmed with need… so much need… Cas flipped them over, pinning Dean’s hands above his head and sinking back down onto Dean, taking exactly what he needed from the other man. His eyes were locked with the deep green ones beneath him as he moved up and down, hitting right _there_ each time. It took a matter of moments before ecstasy was punched out of both of them, each other’s names on their lips. 

Castiel could barely feel his face it had been so intense. He was practically vibrating, lying on top of Dean still connected, trying to calm his breathing down. Dean’s hands were trailing patterns up and down his sweaty neck and back causing Cas to shiver more when the cool air met his back. Dean’s arms wrapped around Cas possessively, and Cas wanted to snuggle deeply into them and never leave. 

Cas could feel Dean sigh contently before he spoke, "Tell me that was the best you've ever had. Because I've been dying to try that out with you and I’ve got to say… I think that was fucking awesome." There was a dreamy cadence to Dean’s voice as he spoke. "Tell me I'm the best."

He couldn't understand why this question felt like a punch to the gut. He knew Dean’s words were meant to be lighthearted, meant to make Cas laugh, but somehow they managed to hurt him deeply. The thought that Dean had done _this_ with others, and then thought to bring it up in Cas's bed... The thought of Dean with others in general wasn't something he let himself think of. Because when he did, it hurt more than he could handle. He'd given everything to Dean but he'd never expect a drifter like Dean to stick with just one person. No, Dean never talked about anyone else he was screwing, but Cas knew he simply wasn't saying anything for Cas's sake.

Without much preamble, Cas was angry. Angry that he let Dean into his bed again. Angry that despite how much he wanted to get over Dean, he was too attached to the man. But Dean was never going to care for him. He probably had a string of people in different cities that he slurred the same sweet words to whenever he fucked them.

"Why don't you ask one of the other people you're sleeping with?" Cas asked suddenly and coldly, moving off Dean, causing them both to grimace when Dean slipped out of him. Cas didn’t care, he moved to get up and head towards the bathroom but was stopped before he could stand up from the bed. 

"Cas? What are you talking about?" Dean asked with concern in his eyes. But Cas didn’t feel like having this conversation. It wasn’t like Dean would care anyway, so he figured it’d be best if he could drop the subject now and act like nothing happened. 

"Sorry. Nothing. I didn't mean anything." Cas turned away to get up again but Dean’s hand was firmer on his arm. 

"No, sweetheart look at me." Dean pleaded, and Cas jerked away violently. 

"Stop calling me that."

Dean scrambled to sit up, seeming to realize that this was about to become a serious conversation. "Calling you what? Sweetheart? I always call you that." He pointed out, scanning Cas’s face for any trace of what the hell was causing the sudden outburst. 

"Yeah well it hurts. So it needs to stop."

Tentatively, Dean moved to lay his hand on Cas’s back. "Talk to me. What's going on?"

"I can't do this anymore Dean." Cas spoke to the ground, feeling mysteriously heavier at the words. 

Cas could hear Dean’s breathing catch. "What do you—“ 

"This!” Cas was on his feet, gesturing around wilding between the two of them. “This, you showing up whenever you want, fucking until you’re bored, then leaving me just to go screw other people just as desperate as myself." 

Dean’s eyes were wide. "Is that what you think?"

"That's what I know!” Cas bellowed, because God, how stupid did Dean think he was? Dean scrambled to his knees at the edge of the bed, grabbing Cas and pulling him closer. Cas tried to shrug it off but Dean wouldn’t let go. 

"Cas, baby, no. No. Fuck. That's what you've thought this whole time?" An icy glare is all Cas gave back in return. 

"Baby. Baby, look at me.” Dean’s hands found Cas’s face, willing him to look at Dean. “That's not at all what happens. You—you must think that I'm complete shit. Look, I may be an idiot, I may suck at this relationship thing—“

"As in not doing it." Cas spat back, attempting again to get away from Dean’s grip. It proved a halfhearted effort. 

Dean’s eyes were pleading, "I know... I know I treat you awfully. I wish I were better. I wish I knew how to show you what you mean to me. But Cas you’ve got to know I would never do that to you! I swear to you Castiel that I am exclusive to you. It's only been you since the beginning."

Cas could feel his blood boil, because how dare Dean lie to his face. How dare he think Cas would be stupid enough to believe such a blatant lie. He shoved the other man away, with more force that he felt necessary. "You can't expect me to believe that!"

Dean had fallen back on the bed, and if Cas weren’t so angry he’d find the scene of a flailing, naked, Dean very comical. 

Doing the best he could to compose himself, Dean clambered out of bed and moved to block Cas from leaving the bedroom. "You're right, you’re right, I can't. But it's true. I've only been with you these past five years. I haven't even thought about being with anyone other than you. You're all I want. Because... because... because—“

"Dean stop!" It sounded to Cas like Dean was just scrambling for any way to get out of this situation. To make sure Cas would still be around if he ever wanted to stop by for a quick fuck. Cas frustratingly drew his fingers through his hair, venom in his voice as he spoke. 

"You don't have to pretend to care. You said it yourself. We're just friends with benefits."

"I said that years ago Cas!" Dean cried. 

"Yeah well. Nothing's changed."

"Everything has!"

Cas didn’t know what to do with himself. He knew if he tried to leave the room Dean would stop him. And well, a naked Dean plus an argument could lead to some unhealthy angry sex. Cas just wanted this to stop being so damn difficult. Wanted to stop hurting over Dean Winchester. He had to get him out of his house. So he started picking up the scattered clothes Dean had lost on their way to the bed. 

"Dean you're never here. You run out after only a few days with me. Then you show up unannounced and just assume that I'm yours. How is that fair to me?"

"I know... I know it's not fair... I just—“ 

"You just what?” Cas angrily shoved the small pile of clothes in Dean’s hands. “Get a thrill with having a sure thing at your disposal? Love knowing you'll never have to commit to me because I'm such an idiot when it comes to you?"

Dean dropped the clothes on the floor, moving towards Cas again who was throwing on any clothing he could find. “No! Sweet—Cas. I don't think that way about you."

"Bullshit. You know what Dean? This has been fun but I think it's time for you to go." The damn shirt he was trying to put on was not cooperating, making him even more upset. Against Cas’s wishes, Dean helped pull the shirt down over Cas’s head. 

"No. Cas, please. Let me explain."

"Explain what?” Cas moved to pick up Dean’s clothes once more. “We've been fucking for years and you're incapable of ever feeling anything more for me and I'm ready to settle down. And you know what? There's a guy who’s been interested. Dean, I think I really want to give him a chance."

"No!" It came out almost like a sob, and if Cas didn’t know any better he’d think Dean were on the verge of tears. But Cas did know better, and he knew that Dean didn’t have any feelings for him. 

"You don't have a say in this Dean. You're just some guy who barges into my life whenever he gets bored. You really need to leave."

"Cas, please. Please don't do this." He was downright begging this time, which gave Cas pause. He looked and Dean and saw that there was actual panic in his eyes. Something in that look made Cas back down. He was still angry, but realized he didn’t need to be so hostile. 

He spoke with a tired voice, "Dean, I've been doing whatever this is for years. It's getting old. We both need to move on. I just—I just can't let myself have this be the only type of relationship I ever get."

"Baby..."

Cas shook his head mournfully. "Don't. Just go. If you've ever cared about me, just a little. You'll let me go. I need you to do this for me. Please Dean."

Cas didn’t want to believe there were actual tears in Dean’s eyes, because despite how much pain Dean caused him over the years, he still never wanted to hurt Dean. 

"Okay," Is all Dean said before Cas stalked out of the room to leave him to get dressed. 

Cas pretended to be utterly interested in the water glass in his hand in order to ignore the nervous shuffling standing behind him in the kitchen. Eventually he’d heard a small sigh and then the door softly clicking shut and the dead bolt locking. Cas sagged against the counter, the adrenaline from the night completely zapping his energy. 

He didn’t bother going back to his room. He knew that the sheets would smell like sex and Dean and all things he was trying to completely erase from his mind. So he laid down on the lumpy grey sofa he and Dean had picked out in their first month of owning the apartment, and cried himself to sleep. 

The exhaustion from the previous night had knocked Cas out enough to sleep in well past the usual time he would. It was practically noon by the time he strolled into the kitchen to make himself some coffee. Coffee, that had everything not exploded last night, he’d be sharing with Dean right now. He felt his heart pang in his chest, realizing that this was day one of his new life without Dean Winchester. 

So far he already hated it. 

Everything at that moment was reminding him of Dean. Nearly all that Castiel owned were things he and Dean had picked out together. The coffee pot, the bowls, the towels, the ugly ass curtains they both thought would be hilarious to own at the time. All of it was from a life he shared with Dean. He needed to get out, because there was no way in hell he could spend the day with so many reminders of the other man. Not if this time he was really, truly, going to cut all ties. 

He hurriedly got dressed, promising himself that anything and everything that reminded him of Dean would be purged later that night when he returned. 

He didn’t know where he’d go. Maybe work. Maybe a coffee shop. Just somewhere far from his apartment. 

He opened his front door and nearly stumbled over something in the hallway. Or someone. Dean jerked away suddenly, looking like he’d passed out against the wall, hugging his duffle to his chest. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” Cas spat out. The audacity of the other man was baffling. 

“I just—“ Dean moved to stand. 

“I told you to leave. Did you sleep here?” He knew the answer before he asked the question. Cas could tell by the dark rings around his eyes. 

“Yeah.” He confirmed. 

Cas buried his face in his hands. Why couldn’t Dean just make this easier on the both of them? “Dean, just go. You’re making this harder than it needs to be.” 

“No. You didn’t give me a chance to explain myself last night. I’m not leaving here again until you hear me out.” 

“I’m begging you to go Dean. Please, just leave.” Cas cried, actual tears pooling in his eyes, because this was all just too much. 

"I want to stay." 

Cas rolled his eyes, "That's not an option. Just go. Find some new thrill far away from here."

"No, Cas, I want to stay. I want to stay here, with you, permanently."

Cas’s eyes flicked quickly to Dean’s trying to gauge if he’d heard the other man correctly. He saw a small flicker of hope in those green eyes he’d fallen for so many years ago. 

"What?"

Dean fiddled with his hands, nervously before speaking. "It's why I've been gone so damn long this time. And just so you know—it nearly drove me insane, to be gone so long without coming home to you. But I needed… I needed to stay put longer to make some more money... so that..." Dean moved closer, as if approaching a spooked mare. He didn’t move to touch Castiel, but it sure appeared like he wanted to. 

“You’re not making any sense here.” Cas said shaking his head. 

“I know. Damnit. I know. Just give me a second. I just woke up.” Dean huffed out nervous laughter and dragged a tired hand over his face before starting over. “I know I’ve been a piece of shit these past few years. And I’m realizing now that I probably lost any real shot with you a long time ago, but if I don’t try now I know I’m going to regret it forever.” This time he did close the gap between the two of them, timidly placing a hand on Cas’s forearm. 

“Cas, I was a wreck when my dad died and I know that now, because if I were in my right mind, I never would have left. I never should have left. I realized that the first few months I was away, so I came back. I just wanted to see you again, be with you again, but when I came back I realized you were probably better off without me. That I was probably just fucking up all your happiness by being around. That’s why I left again.” 

Genuine pain was etched on Dean’s face from the memory and Cas wanted nothing more than to take away his pain, but he was too stunned to do anything but listen. 

“And it was selfish of me to keep coming back,” Dean continued, “but every time I tried to stay away from you I just felt like I was being pulled in two. I know I don't even deserve you and that I'll never be good enough for you. But damnit Cas I want to do everything to prove to you that I am fully in this…” Dean paused for a moment to take out a folded piece of paper from his duffle and shove it in Cas’s hands. 

Cas unsurely unfolded the paper, looking back up at Dean with confusion written all over his features when he saw what was printed on the page. 

“I found a house.” Dean explained with a petrified smile. “The last time I was here, I checked it out. It’s been on the market for a while, but I thought it’d be a good place for us. That’s why I was gone so goddamn long this time. I needed to save up some more for a down payment.”

"What?" Cas was too dumbfounded to ask any other question that was swimming through his mind. Looking down at the picture of the house on the page again, he just didn’t understand what was happening. The words Dean had just said all too overwhelming for him to comprehend all at once. 

“I know it’s probably too late. I know I probably lost you. But if there’s any chance you still want me, I’m yours.” Dean’s voice lacked confidence, and it killed some part of Cas to know he was the reason Dean was so scared at the moment. 

Here he was, standing in front of his apartment finally hearing Dean say the words he’d been dying to hear for years now and all he could think to ask was, "But... but why?"

A weak laugh escaped Dean’s lips. Soft hands were now framing Cas’s face, much like they had That Drunken Night, and Dean was still looking at Cas like he was the only thing in the universe that mattered. 

"Why? Because I'm sick of not having you in my arms every night. Because I'm sick of not waking up to your grumpy ass demanding me to make you breakfast every morning. Because I can't handle seeing people around me holding hands with their partners and getting to have that when you're so far away. Because I hate being so god damn far from you for no reason. Because I'm done drifting around trying to find myself when I've known since that first morning I woke up next to you that that was everything I could have ever wished for. Because the thought of losing you to someone far superior to me makes me want to die. Because I'm so fucking in love with you and I want to show you how loved you are every second of the rest of my life."

Cas let in a shaky breath, "Dean..."

"I know I haven't given you much to believe in when it comes to me. I know you have every reason to make me leave. But Cas, I swear I won't hurt you again. I'll be so good to you." Actual tears escaped the corner of Dean’s eyes and Cas knew down to his core that every word Dean spoke was true. 

"What exactly are you asking here?" Cas asked, needing clarification. It was all just too overwhelming. He didn’t think he’d be lucky enough to get everything he ever hoped for. There had to be some catch, something he was missing. 

Uncertainty clouded Dean’s feature. "I guess I'm asking if you feel the same? If you want me to stay? If you can forgive me?"

"Yes." Cas was nodding his head furiously. 

Dean breathed a small sigh of relief. "Yes to what?" he asked with a chuckle. 

Cas laughed in return before his hands moved to grip the front of Dean’s shirt, pulling him closer. "Yes I love you. Yes I want you to stay. Yes I forgive you. Yes I'll move in to whatever dream house you picked for us.” 

"You want that?" Dean was looking down at Cas like he couldn’t believe any of it was real. 

Cas was still nodding his head. "We have a lot to work through. We have to see if we even get along being with each other more than just one week at a time anymore... But I'm in this if you are." 

"I'm completely in this." Dean promised before pulling Cas into a greedy kiss. And things finally felt like they were coming back together again. 

It took some time, to build back up to what they had once been. Five years isn’t an insignificant amount of time and they each had to relearn some things about being near each other and living with one another again. There were small arguments. There were times when Cas would wake up and Dean would be gone, and he’d think for a brief moment that Dean had left again. There were times when Cas would share an inside joke with one of his friends and Dean would get a far off look on his face, regretting all the time they’d spent apart. 

Day by day they built their life back together. They bought the house. They got two dogs and a cat, because Dean just couldn’t say no to the look on Cas’s face. They both finished school, Dean going back to finish his undergrad and Cas finishing his masters. They made sure to have dinner every Sunday with Mary and sometimes Sam (who was now in California going to Stanford). They knew that somewhere down the line they’d want to be married, and consider starting a family. They knew they still had plenty of time for that too. What mattered most to them now was how they made each other happy. 

Cas still had his weakness; that was never going to change. He still folded like a card table any time Dean gave him those puppy dog eyes begging him ‘please, can you make that cherry pie?’ or any other one of Dean Winchester silly wishes. But he had his strength too. He had a best friend who loved and cherished him, and encouraged him in anything he pursued, who held him close each and every night. He had Dean, who stayed and Cas never had to let him go again.

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it this far, thank you! I hope that wasn't too bad for you. 
> 
> I wrote a TINY part of this as a means to get over a small moment of writers block while writing He Didn't Have to Be, and apparently I just can't leave something unfinished. I have a multi-chapter fic that I'm trying to work on but I couldn't bring myself to write anything on that until I finished this one. So here it is, hopefully not too cringe-worthy. 
> 
> I don't claim to be a writer, so all mistakes are my own! If you liked this, let me know. (Also let me know if I need to add some tags to this-I'm not really good at tagging). 
> 
> And if you haven't already read He Didn't Have to Be, you should ;) 
> 
> Thank you all again!  
> -Paige
> 
> [He Didn’t Have to Be](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9686360/chapters/21867404%20) Dean is 23 years old and raising his 3 year old brother Sam as his own. Castiel comes into their life and Dean falls hard and fast but quickly begins to question if he’s even worthy of being loved. Sammy is the most adorable toddler to ever live. 
> 
> [Sleep Without You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10775289/chapters/23899212) Dean and Cas have known each other basically all their life and are very close. Close as in, they sleep (and cuddle) in the same bed together every night but… they deny that they are together. During a weeklong trip with their friends the two start to figure out that there might be something more between them.
> 
> [He Wouldn’t Be Gone](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11261616%20) A year after Cas walked out on their relationship, Dean has to face his ex again at a wedding of all places. Did Dean mention Cas left him the night before he was going to propose? It was going to take a whole lot of whiskey but he was bound and determined to get through the night.
> 
> [There Goes My Life](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12011787/chapters/27182904%20) (WIP) Dean never expected the night he was going to ask Cas to be his that Cas would come home with a baby. 
> 
> [Alright](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11589315/chapters/26046594%20) (WIP) Dean’s grown up with a good head on his shoulders. Cas has grown up being overlooked, never knowing what friendship is. Dean makes it his mission to be the friend he knows Cas deserves.


End file.
